I've been trying to come up with the best way to write this. Mulling over it for what seems like forever. How will I tell them? How can I express myself in the best way? What will people think? Ultimately, I don't think there is a 'best way' to do this, except to be honest: I am getting a divorce.
Typing those words is not easy.
I haven't been myself for months. Many months. I have tried to hide it. Cover it up and put on a facade, especially here on my blog. I've tried to keep you all blissfully ignorant of my personal life struggles, but I do not want to do that any longer. I've been drained; emotionally, psychologically... physically. I've cried until I could cry no more (well, that's a bit of a lie, actually, there are still tears that fall every now and again) and many a days I could not pull myself out of the depression I felt; the questioning of myself, if I could ever go on, worrying what others would think, and of course, if Mike would be okay.
To say this was an easy decision is the furthest thing from the the truth. It has been awful, painful (for many), a struggle and the most difficult thing I've ever gone through. Until you live it, you have no idea (I certainly didn't). It is a horrible thing to go through, and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.
I know you're probably all wondering what happened, what went wrong, and why we are breaking up, but, I cannot answer that. There are many reasons and it cannot be summed up on a simple paragraph on my blog, nor do I want to discuss it. It's personal. I know some people may think this might be giving up, but I'd like to quote Eva Longoria, 'You never know what couples are going through. It may look as though they've jumped ship, but you don't know how many times they didn't...'.
The after-stages of the split have been awful: flip-flopping, depression, anxiety, shame, anger & extreme sadness. One of the hardest parts about this has been telling my family and losing Mike's family. My family were shocked, upset, confused and hurt. They were hurt for me, they were hurt for Mike. They didn't understand why but they have come around. When I think about Mike and his family, it makes me sick and sad. His mother and I were super close, she was like a second mother to me. I miss her. I miss going there for dinner alone, crafting with her, and laughing with her. Knowing that his family probably hates me is also really hard. A family that was so welcoming and accepting of me, that included me and really made me feel like I was part of their family. A family that I really loved being a part of. It's not only mourning the loss of my partner, but his family as well.
Telling my friends has been a different story. I've had a couple friends there from the get-go and have seen me through-and-through and I could not be more grateful or have better friends. I've leaned on them so much and they have really been there. I even have a friend who went through the exact same thing three years ago at my age and a close blogger friend who was in my situation in a past life. Talking to these girls has validated my emotions, made me understand why I was and am feeling certain ways and really helped me.
My other friends have been quite surprised but really, how do you break that news? Everyone has so many questions and technically it's none of their business but, deflecting the questions, comments and blank stares is easier said than done. Ultimately though, my true friends have been there for me, supported me and tried to make me laugh (especially on those days where laughing was the last thing I ever thought I would do or could do, for that matter). On days when I didn't want to leave my office to have lunch with my friends in the cafeteria, they dragged me there. They never forced me to smile, nor talk about it, nor acknowledge it, but there were always there when I did want to smile, talk about it or acknowledge it (which often meant a good cry).
Additionally, I have been seeing a therapist for nine months now and he has been extremely helpful. I had never done therapy before and while I've had friends in the past rave about it, I never really felt the need. Well let me tell you, if there was ever a time I needed it, this has been the year. I'm am now a full-fledged believer in therapy. It's an incredible outlet and the things I have learned about myself in the past six months is so incredibly insightful. Not only has he helped me navigate through my emotions, he's made me realize my self-worth, how strong I am and what I can do. Never pushing nor swaying my decisions, opinions or emotions, he would simply reiterating what I'm saying, offering neutral advice on how to deal with my own emotions and the biggest thing, an open ear for me to blab for a full hour, should I choose, about whatever my lil' heart desires. I'm telling you, I'm a therapy convert.
When the news broke at work, I was 'ready'. I was ready to face the whispers, awkward small talk, quick glances at my (now ring-less) ring finger and sympathetic expressions. I'm now able to talk about it without breaking into tears. I'm able to hold my head above what others choose to gossip about (but there are always weak moments, too) and continue forward on my path. It still stings a bit, especially when I'm caught off guard or when someone acts like they know what is best for me and my life (who the hell do you think you are?), but I'm a work in progress, and I'm getting there. That light at the end of the tunnel is a hell of a lot brighter.
Michael and I had an amazing seven years together, and I don't discount that. He's a wonderful person who will always have a special place in my heart; he is someone who has given me so much, and I have grown and learned quite a bit about myself in the interim. Our paths crossed for a reason and I will always think of our time together fondly and wish him all the happiness in the world.
If you choose to comment or talk about this situation publicly, please remember that this is a situation that does not only involve me, but another person and their entire family and we all need to be super-respectful of their privacy, as well as mine. Also feel free to email me privately if that seems more appropriate at acoest1984@gmail.com
